Advice to young standups: do a ton of horrible, deplorable, embarrassing things. It's all material.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) August 2, 2013

Hey pomegranate, I LIKE oxidants, so go get fucked.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) August 7, 2013

This one guy i know has been writing for tv for a year and doles out advice like he's Mitch goddamn Hurwitz.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) August 14, 2013

"La Brea tar pit in here! La Brea tar pit in here!" – to the tune of Lets Get it Started in Here

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) October 25, 2013

I've been honoring Lou Reed by destroying my liver with opiates for years, you fucking posers.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) October 27, 2013

Is horniness a good or bad feeling? #tuesdaythinkfodder

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) November 12, 2013

No more texting on elevators. Let's be ready for your floor, people. No more making that surprised "oop" sound. Get in the game.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) December 14, 2013

If a girl tells you her name is Jen, ask her if its short for Jenital. She'll be putty in your hands.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) December 26, 2013

Seems weird there aren't more girls named Candle.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) January 16, 2014

Hey refs, when you penalize a team for delay of game, you're only further delaying the game! Seems like you don't really care.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) January 20, 2014

If you aren't cutting my oatmeal with STEEL, then what the fuck are we doing here??

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) February 18, 2014

Have to pee too often? Drink more corks. #lifehack

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) April 28, 2014

I still fall for it when a talkshow host raves about how much he liked the guest's movie. Ain't no Jon Stewart ain't no seen 3hrs of Boyhood

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) July 23, 2014

There should be a German word for when you don't like someone, but then you hear them open up on a podcast and you gain empathy for them.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) November 13, 2014

As a staunch feminist, I agree with Chelsea Handler. Women should be allowed to show their boobies openly and freely. Enough is enough.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) November 14, 2014

What's tightest about adulthood: if i open a pack of fruitsnacks and there ain't enuff reds, I can just CHUNK that bitch and open a new one.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) November 18, 2014

I hope World War Z is boring so I can say World War Zzzzzzzz. I also hope to quit cigarettes and oxycodone, but it's a real uphill battle.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) March 26, 2013